A Silent Rollercoaster: Grieving Someone Who is Still Here

When you think of losing someone, oftentimes, you consider loss through death. What about when the people you lost and grieve for are still alive? How does one deal with the complex emotions that come with grieving someone who is here, but maybe emotionally or mentally absent? This can be called an ambiguous loss, and it is a profound experience that many people end up having to face.

Understanding the Ride

Ambiguous loss may occur from a plethora of sources. For example, having a grandparent enter old age may be one source of this type of loss as you are beginning to grieve and feel the loss of them nearing, even though it is not here yet. A failed relationship may be a fine example of this as well- losing someone you weren’t expecting to lose, even though they may still be around. Maybe your parent has a substance use disorder and they are living a life that you can’t be a part of- you may grieve them even though they are still here. Ambiguous loss is not stranger in situations involving age, mental illness, substance use, or even emotional distance. Sometimes important people in life reach a point when they go in a direction that you aren’t, and it may cause hurt. It is not a factor of wanting to lose them, it is just the distance that naturally occurs in these situations, causing grief in a highly misunderstood direction.

The Rollercoaster of Emotions

On this rollercoaster, many emotions may be battling throughout one’s mind. There may be anger for the disconnect that is occurring between you and the other person. Feelings of despair often make an appearance with a side of deep yearning for the person they used to be to you or should have been to you. Attempting to accept the new version of how things are with this person can be daunting. Although the individual may still be alive, it does not change the 5 stages to grief that we can go through.

It is important to remember that the grieving process is NOT linear. One day you may be in denial about the severity of the loss you are going through, and the next you might feel as if you have accepted it and you are ready to move on, just to wake up the next day and be so depressed about losing this person that you feel like you cannot go on. Give yourself grace and be kind to yourself as you navigate this chaotic ride. This journey is about having as many days as you can of acceptance where you are no longer bound by the emotional ties this person has in your daily life.

Coping Skills and Strategies

1.      Acknowledge and Conquer Your Feelings: If you are feeling a feeling, that makes it valid, no matter what doubts you may have, or challenges others may present you with. Feel those emotions without judgement. All emotions are welcome. Conquer the feelings now and prepare yourself for your future.

2.      Expand Your Support System: This is a remedy for most things in life, but make sure that you have at least someone that you can trust to talk to, if not, a stranger makes a great listening ear. Join a support group for your situation to help you connect with others that may be experiencing similar loss. You never know what someone could say. It might just be exactly what you needed to hear.

3.      Set Boundaries: When it comes to separating yourself from the person you are losing, it can be vital to set realistic boundaries with this person. Setting boundaries helps you to protect yourself from others who may be harmful to what you are trying to accomplish. Visit our blog on setting boundaries here.

4.      Familiarize Yourself with Acceptance: Learning to accept these situations does not mean forgiveness in every circumstance, it doesn’t provide a free pass for poor behavior, acceptance does not mean that you no longer feel or care about this person; it simply means that you have accepted the situation for what it is, and you are ready to move on in whatever fashion that may look like for you. Again, moving on doesn’t mean forgetting, it doesn’t mean hating, it just means that you are choosing to put your energy into your future, and not dwell on this situation with this one person.   

5.      Express Yourself: There are many ways to express your thoughts or words. I am a firm advocate for journaling. The power of journaling can be astronomical, and it can be accommodated for many different types of individuals. Sometimes journaling can be as simple as a daily gratitude list, a recount of your day, insight into experiences in your life, and so on. Doing this can help you to evaluate your experiences and people in your life so you can determine the best way for yourself to handle and conquer those relationships or hard times. What I love about journaling is you don’t even have to be a writer. Maybe you are someone who enjoys drawing, make a comic book of your encounters to remember what you have learned and how you will continue to move forward. Find what works for you.

6.      Self-Care: This is another suggestion that you will find as a solution to many problems you come across. Self-care is so important and gives you the ability to keep your Cortisol levels manageable, decrease stress, and increase motivation for change. Self-care can be done in so many ways, expressing yourself like above, exercise, drawing, music, cleaning, positive affirmations, and much more.

7.      Find Meaning in Pain: This journey can be long and painful, but, if you look for the meaning through all of this, it can even be a transformative and positive journey. Grieving someone who is still alive can teach you how to be empathetic, self-loving, assertive, resilience, and it teaches you to appreciate the current positive relationships in your life. You can learn a lot from your pain if you work through the struggle rather than hide behind the pain. And don’t forget to remember these individuals for the good times, even though there may have been some bad times that helped to shape you into who you are today. Life is about experiences.

Conclusion

In society, grief is often thought of to be the death of a loved one, but it is crucial to remember that sometimes grief can occur when someone is still alive. Whether the struggle lie in chronic illness, deteriorating relationships, substance use, mental illness, your pain is real, and you deserve happiness. Learning to embrace your emotions, seek support, and work through self-nurturing tendencies, you can learn to navigate ambiguous loss and eventually work toward finding some sort of peace and healing within.

It is important to remember that you are not alone on this rollercoaster. Many others understand and can empathize with what you are going through. It is possible to honor the memory of this person, no matter how painful, while embracing the reality of who they may be now.